3 days until christmas! and i’m not sure why i’m so excited. christmas this year feels utterly and completely different and i’m not sure if thats in a good way. my family isn’t too excited this year and thats what christmas is suppose to be about isnt it? telling your family and dearest friends that you care about them through gifts and stuff like that. it’s a time of giving. part of the reason it feels different this year is that i wont be getting my grandma anything. i never was able to tell my grandma i love her, i dont think ive told anyone in my family that but i really do love them. thats why i love christmas so much, because during this time of the year i’m able to tell through my gifts. i’m going to miss seeing my grandma walk upstairs to see if there is anything for her under the christmas and then find gifts and open then, then exclaim that she has no use for these things, but secretly we all know she enjoys them. i miss her so much already. i miss hearing her loud voice everyday, i miss waking up finding her making coffee in the kitchen and eating bowl of noodles. i miss her crackly hands and her toothless grin. i miss how she made me feel safe. i remember when i was younger whenever my mom and dad got into fights me and andy and linda would run to her room and hide under her covers. i remember sneaking into her bed at night to watch tv and fall alsleep. i felt the most comfortable and most safe whenever i was around her. i’m so afraid that i’ll never find that again. i mean i did, but who was i kidding, right? i miss her so much. yesterday was my first time sewing since she was gone. i dont know, i just couldnt do it, it reminded me too much about her. she taught we how to sew. she would always ask me to thread her needles for her and once in awhile when it was too hard for her to or if she was too lazy she would ask me to sew a portion for her, thats where i learned. she taught me so much, i hope she knows that. she was the one who taught we how to swim, how to make porridge and eggs and how to water the plants. i hope she knows how thankful i am to have her. how i always felt cared for because of her. i hope she knows i appreciate how much she looked out for me, how she would be so scared when i would take naps because she didn’t know where i was, how she used to walk me to school and then when she couldnt anymore, how she sat at the window to make sure i got home everyday. i hope she knows that i love her so much.
i guess christmas doesnt feel like christmas, because of him. i miss dragging him along to go christmas shopping with me and well, everything.
but, its still going to be christmas in 3 days! and i am exciteeed! CHACHAS, secret santa, SF, karaoke, watching old vhs’s (tehehe), cant wait!
