ad astra

3 days until christmas! and i’m not sure why i’m so excited. christmas this year feels utterly and completely different and i’m not sure if thats in a good way. my family isn’t too excited this year and thats what christmas is suppose to be about isnt it? telling your family and dearest friends that you care about them through gifts and stuff like that. it’s a time of giving. part of the reason it feels different this year is that i wont be getting my grandma anything. i never was able to tell my grandma i love her, i dont think ive told anyone in my family that but i really do love them. thats why i love christmas so much, because during this time of the year i’m able to tell through my gifts. i’m going to miss seeing my grandma walk upstairs to see if there is anything for her under the christmas and then find gifts and open then, then exclaim that she has no use for these things, but secretly we all know she enjoys them. i miss her so much already. i miss hearing her loud voice everyday, i miss waking up finding her making coffee in the kitchen and eating bowl of noodles. i miss her crackly hands and her toothless grin. i miss how she made me feel safe. i remember when i was younger whenever my mom and dad got into fights me and andy and linda would run to her room and hide under her covers. i remember sneaking into her bed at night to watch tv and fall alsleep. i felt the most comfortable and most safe whenever i was around her. i’m so afraid that i’ll never find that again. i mean i did, but who was i kidding, right? i miss her so much. yesterday was my first time sewing since she was gone. i dont know, i just couldnt do it, it reminded me too much about her. she taught we how to sew. she would always ask me to thread her needles for her and once in awhile when it was too hard for her to or if she was too lazy she would ask me to sew a portion for her, thats where i learned. she taught me so much, i hope she knows that. she was the one who taught we how to swim, how to make porridge and eggs and how to water the plants. i hope she knows how thankful i am to have her. how i always felt cared for because of her. i hope she knows i appreciate how much she looked out for me, how she would be so scared when i would take naps because she didn’t know where i was, how she used to walk me to school and then when she couldnt anymore, how she sat at the window to make sure i got home everyday. i hope she knows that i love her so much.

i guess christmas doesnt feel like christmas, because of him. i miss dragging him along to go christmas shopping with me and well, everything.

but, its still going to be christmas in 3 days! and i am exciteeed! CHACHAS, secret santa, SF, karaoke, watching old vhs’s (tehehe), cant wait!

sew sad

I FORGOT MY SEWING KIT AT UOP! BAAAH! now i have to use my mom’s to sew up christmas gifts for my friends, which isn’t a bad thing but its not a good thing either. i guess i just prefer mine more because i;m familiar with all my needles and thread. this whole living in two different places thing is really difficult for unorganized-forgettful people like me. i keep on forgetting things at UOP when i come home to san jose and when i leave to UOP, i always forget things at home. i think this calls for me to get duplicates of everything i own, but not really. i’m excited to sew nothingless, and bake and do all the things domestic that i missed doing. its almost christmas but it really doesnt feel like it. i miss him and all i want to do is just forget and to hug him forever and to do cute winter things that i don’t get to do in UOP like snuggle and drink cocoa and read with him. i can’t even do all the the things i need to do for christmas because i;m just laying here thinking, thinking, thinking. the mind is a most unagreeable entity. it thinks far too much when you don’t want it to and when you do need to think you can’t. it over analyzes, it assumes, its too trusting, its too paranoid, its too optimistic, its pesstimistic, it knows what it wants but never wants what it knows. its a big handful.

commitment

i have decided that i am going to blog everyday, or at least bi-weekly? why you might ask? well, the number one reason is to remember and second to maybe become more articulate. i am the worst sentence-former in existence, i swear. maybe this will help and my vocab-closet needs revamping. speaking of closets, my normal clothes closet needs to be some spicy up. i am getting bored of my limited wardrobe and my hair and my eyebrows and my gainage of pounds! its only been a day since i’ve been back from break and i am itching for something new, itching for an adventure. a giant case of itchiness.